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09 March 2029 @ 01:21 am

// Only add me if we have something in common, check my profile & interests.. if you don't see anything bolded, don't add. Simple as that. 
// This journal is a random mix of my personal life & fandom. If that bugs you, don't add
// All of my graphics are here @ [info]mein_verderben
Feeling: creativecreative
1. I miss you. I feel like we're heading in different directions and lead completely different lives. I can't fault you on anything and I can't really fault myself either. We really are just heading in separate directions and hold different groups of friends/interests. I know you try to include me in things, but something either happens or I'm just not up to it. Our lives are moving at different paces. Yours seems to be moving along steadily and picking picking up pace, while mine is moving slowly, but surely. It scares me and makes me feel a little hopeless. Whatever happens, I'll always love you and be here for you and I know you'll do the same. I find comfort in that.

2. I don't know how to feel about you sometimes. I wish I could help you find yourself and put pieces back together because I see so much of myself in you, but I don't really feel you want the help, and especially not from me. I wish you'd talk to me more because I feel we had a strong bond and we could've been great friends but something was lost along the way. Partially my fault, though I've tried to reconcile that to little avail.

3. I love you. So much. It's kind of ridiculous and sometimes I think about it and I'm like, "Alexis you're stupid and crazy." But whatever. I don't give a fuck. I was so worried things weren't going to work out even though there was nothing wrong. I was afraid maybe I jumped back into something without thinking things through and that I wasn't ready for it. I was afraid my feelings were based on sex. I was afraid we made better friends than lovers. I was wrong. Sometimes I psyche myself out and convince myself that I don't deserve something, and I do it to the point where I firmly believe it and I run away from things. I did that last time and I was about to do it again, but I stuck through it and am so happy I did. I left you twice; once for another person, once because I was being stupid. Both times you came back to me. They say third time's the charm right? Hopefully I don't fuck this up this time because I know you won't come back for a fourth.

4. I don't even know where to start with you. I. Love. You. I firmly believe you are my soul mate and you need to fucking live closer to me so we can derpderp together and go on awkward shopping trips. I've said everything I could possibly say to you and I really don't know what else to say except for what I just said. SOUL MATE. Yes. I am lame. You know that and you don't give a fuck. JESUS CHRIST ON A MUSHROOM. Come let me hug you, you adorable creature.

5. At first, I was upset at how much we've grown apart. I've learned to see who you truly are and am happy we never got as close as I thought we were. You pride yourself on things I look down on in a person, yet you think you're better than everyone else. You're a liar, a cheat and a fake. I can't tell the real person from the person you're trying to portray yourself as. I can't tell if it's because you're so insecure or you're a sociopath or something. Either way, I don't really want anything to do with you.

-- Posted this to tumblr and I might as well post it here so this journal isn't completely inactive. Probably could've written more but, I won't. --
13 February 2012 @ 12:07 am
What song is stuck in your head?

Sometimes I feel like using this, other times not. I am fairly certain no one really reads it anymore and no one I don't talk to outside of LJ really use it anymore anyhow. So, maybe the updates are more for me than anything, I don't know.

I'd put this under cuts but I honestly don't know how to do one anymore? haha So deal with the text blocks, assholes.

Anyways, last year in February I finally, after 8 years of dealing with constant pain, went to a specialist for my stomach. Now, I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of it and gross people out, but what I had been dealing with wasn't normal and wasn't something that was fixed with anything over the counter. The biggest problem I was having was moderate to severe abdominal cramping and this sharp, tugging pain around my bellybutton. My doctor had me do a blood test for Celiac disease (came back negative) and an elimination diet for 2 weeks to test for food allergies. I was worse on the elimination diet so I made an appointment for a follow-up and to schedule tests (he wanted to do an endoscopy and colonoscopy) but I lost insurance up until now and never got the chance to get them done.

So, I went back this week. Honestly, I didn't want the scopes done. Any type of sedation, conscious or not, freaks me the fuck out. He still wanted to do them and I asked if he thought we could try anything else first. I had been on Bentyl for a little bit and that helped but only a little so he put me on a stronger antispaz drug to stop the abdominal cramping. So far, so good. I haven't had any "bad" days yet since I've been put on it so honestly, I don't know how well it's going to work for those days I can barely get out of bed. But it has been working well. I still have the sharp, tugging pain but no cramping and nothing that goes along with cramping... My recheck is in two month and I really hope this will do.

Onto the next part... I've been working with the horse rescue again and last month started leasing a 3 1/2 year old paint filly. I was her sixth ride and she is just wonderful. I've laid out her training and she is coming along wonderfully. Now, I didn't start working with the rescue with intents to adopt or buy... but I really, really love this mare to death. She's very much a people pleaser and wants to work for you/wants to make you happy. As long as you're giving her clear direction she picks up on everything really quickly. I've gone through the numbers multiple times and I can afford to adopt her but there are a few things throwing up red flags and those are:

-I still live at home making $9 an hour in an entry level job.
-I'm not done with college and though I will be taking out loans next fall semester at a university, I'm still going to have to dedicate time/money to school.
-She is the rescue founders favorite horse and keeps gloating about how one day she'll make a great kids horse

First off, I don't foresee moving out any time soon and if I would, it wouldn't be alone. So that's not a huge deal and the job/hours are stable. The college thing is a year away so that's not an immediate deal, but if something happened then and I had to sell her because I was foolish, I'd be devastated. The third one is personal and not something that would actually keep me from saying I want to adopt her... but it's still something I think about. Like, there are so many horses out there I could buy that would be good for me so I feel kind of selfish taking a horse with such a good disposition that would be great for kids. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter. I'd still let the rescue use her for pony rides which is what they do now, but then I think of being a little girl and how awesome it would've been so have such a sweet little paint horse like her and I think maybe I shouldn't adopt her.

This is my second month leasing her so I am just going to talk to the lady about it and see what she honestly thinks. No one is interested in her that I know of and if anything, I'll just keep leasing/training her until I make a decision or someone else comes along first.

Here she is, btw: